The Night Everything Fell Apart

by Suicide Notes in Crayon

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02:53
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released January 3, 2017

Dan London - everything

Mixing on "Searching For Clarity" by Vincent Peters

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Suicide Notes in Crayon Coral Springs, Florida

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Track Name: Left Helpless
My hands are deep within the dirt. Grasping and pulling at the grass out of frustration. When trying to dig a grave large enough for the emotions built up for so long it is imperative to have an understanding that this could take years. The days are flying by and I'm losing track of time, yet somehow the depression hasn't subsided. I'm such a fucking idiot for thinking a "consideration" meant anything. I'm this close to packing my bags and leaving it all behind. I know it won't really help and I'll just be forgotten, but I crave the thought of even just being missed. I still sometimes fantasize about what it could have been, but I know it only hurts me knowing I just live in my head. I hurt myself more than any words could explain when I do this shit. I'm so tired of being alone. I want to recover so badly, but how can I get help when I feel like the only one left on earth?
Track Name: I Am Naught
The streets are barren, yet the city lights still shine. The sky's been black but with few stars in sight. I'm not quite sure why I'm still here. Sometimes I feel as if I value the scenery. I have no hobbies left, there's no one to share memories with, and there's really no reason I should remain here. I have a fear of looking towards the sky because then I realize just how small I am. There's no one to tell me things will be okay, and I'm still struggling to accept that there will never be anyone by my side. Constantly living in my head, I have all these scenarios of friendships. If only they were real possibilities, but I have nothing really.

I don't want to think so that I may be naught. I'm not afraid to die.
Track Name: Pressing On
I can't help myself from thinking of you. This hopeless attachment that only grew. I knew I was the only one making the first move, and I know you'll never care like I do. It's always bothered me that no one seemed to care about being the first to start a conversation.

And I knew you always avoided confrontation, but why couldn't we settle things sooner? All I needed was a simple confirmation that my feelings were unrequited before they snowballed. Maybe I'll be alone, but I'm slowly getting better. Maybe I'm in this one alone, but all I can do is press on. I'm pressing on.

Maybe I'll make something of myself.

If only I could muster the strength to leave this bedroom tomb where I'll most likely end up just painting the walls...
Track Name: Searching For Clarity
When I can't sleep I count my failures. It's 4 AM now and I'm nowhere near finished. Maybe I'll try another night. I tend to procrastinate a lot because I know I'm not really good enough at anything to be able to finish things. The other day when I saw my reflection I was reminded that I wasn't good enough for you. Regardless of the shitty things you've told me about yourself I loved you anyway, but in the end I guess it wasn't worth it. I wasn't worth it. You've asked me what I lived for, and to be honest I don't know anymore. Depression has my mind fogged and I'm searching for clarity at the bottom of the bottle. When will I get better? If only to prove to you I'm worth something, but I'm not sure if I even believe that anymore. If my first step is to admit I'm a fuck up then recovery doesn't seem too far off. Maybe I'm quite alright. In the end this will probably be for nothing because I don't see relationships as anything but ephemeral, but maybe I should stop befriending the flies.
Track Name: This Isn't Over
I know I'm just lying to myself when I say I'm fine again. Should have known that spending too much time with you would have had me feeling the way I did. The damage has already been done and no amount of empty apologies will give me back the time I spent loving you.

I'm left each night bothered by my own stupidity. Should have never sent the text messages, but at least it gave me some answers. Even if I wanted to ignore you relentlessly it wouldn't have mattered because you'd never care to contact me. My mind is fractured into parts and I'm trying to put it back together to make sense of all this. When I try to be friends again and tell you I forgive you I'm just left choking on my words.


This isn't over, and I'm far from being the forgiving person I once was.
Track Name: The Last Breath
I'm back to writing memos. Trying to collect my thoughts and reasons to keep going. I stare stupefied at a blank sheet of paper. This hasn't really gotten anywhere, but when have I ever really gotten anywhere? I've done nothing with my life and I'm just stagnating in despondency.

Never know when you'll take your last breath... But sometimes you do.